no sleep for the weary.

Just a few things.


Keegan: I did it for the pun of it.
Tara: I did it cause it's punny.
Keegan: I did it for the usually humorous use of a word in such a way as to suggest two or more of its meanings or the meaning of another word similar in sound.


Hardest I have laughed in a while. Maybe you had to be there.

I am wide awake. But I have come to terms with it. Being upset about my insomnia won't make it go away.

I can't think of anything to write. This is awful.

I think I figured out something new about myself today. Whenever I am upset, I immediately want to buy things. New things gives me that fleeting sense of happiness for a few minutes when I get really excited about it. But as they say, money can't buy happiness. I sure try to, though.

The latest thing I have wanted to buy is a bunch of clothes. Man, I am such a girl. But it's more than that. I want a change. I feel so stuck right now. Appearance is one of the few things we can really change, you know? I have to keep my hair boring so I can find a job. Which is an absolute joke. So, what else can I change?


Why oh why did I have to be born in the 80's?? I should have been 20 in the 40's.

Anyway, moral of this blog... I am changing my outward appearance. Because that's just about the only thing one can change when they go through changes in their life. I am so fickle though. Always a different hair color, always a different style, always a different this or that. I never stick with things for very long. At least not the important things. My appearance, and my material objects are inconsequential, and I throw them away and change them easily. My relationships with people, and my love for others... that matters more than anything, and I keep it around. Long after all of the rest have gone.

I enjoy learning new things about myself. Maybe that makes me self-centered.


Also, I want something fun to do for Halloween. I hadn't even bothered getting a costume or making plans or anything... but I really want to now. I just want something fun to do in general. I feel so lame all the time. Every normal college student goes to parties, or does fun stuff. Except me. I just never enjoy myself. I'm not really friends with anyone who goes to ASU anyway either. So, how would I even know of something to do?

I constantly amaze myself with my ability to find anything and everything even remotely negative in my life and make myself incredibly unhappy over it. How someone can have so much unhappiness in their heart, I will never know. I have always struggled with it. Struggled to be positive, or be happy. But the fact is, I am neither of those things. And anytime positive or happy things happen, I find a new thing to be unhappy and negative about. Life will never be good enough for me.


I'm just so discouraged with everything. And no one seems to notice. I just get told to be positive, or 'chill', or some other piece of bull shit that doesn't help anything. No one says anything worth while. No one asks me if I am okay? Or if I need to talk? No one cares about me or how I am really doing. So, I will just put on the mask and the fake smile I have worn for so long... It's probably easier for everyone to deal with.

Yeah, I said it. But even as I say it I question it in a million different ways. Wondering if it's the right thing to do. Wondering if I died tomorrow, how happy I would be with my life? It's my only one. I should make the most of it. But what is "it"? What is the point of any of this? I think, therefore I am. But is it normal to not know who I am? Or why I am? Or what I am?

I wish I had an off button for my brain. Or at the very least, mute. I would settle for either one.