05 January 2009

New year, new understandings.

So, I have never been one to have new years resolutions or anything. I may have tried, but by February I always forget what they were. I feel like we shouldn't need a new year to signal a new change in ourselves. What is a new year, anyway? Just a man made number to assign to life so we can have a reference for our history. So we can be remembered.

Without meaning to though, I have changed with this arrival of 2009. And it's such a strange change, such a strange understanding. So strange it's going to be one of the hardest things I have ever tried to articulate. And even more strange because it has been the direct result of watching five seasons of a beautiful television show called "Six Feet Under." The show is about an L.A. family who runs a funeral home and deals with death in such a candid way that I have never seen before.

Having experienced the death of my mother, the person who truly was my everything in this life, this show hit home with me. At first it was very difficult to watch, because even though it is just fiction, death isn't. The people who die every day are real, and it happens. They are mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, friends, husbands, wives. They are good people, and they are bad people. They lived their lives to the fullest or they died with many regrets. They were taken in old age, they were taken when they were barely born.

And everything, everyone, everywhere.. we'll all end as they have. And now I don't find that depressing, or morbid, or scary, or sad, or defeatist. I find it amazing. No, I don't want to die.. but all of these realizations have made me want to live! Live like never before! Enjoy every single day I have here with the people I love. And be thankful for every single day I am here and I am breathing. Once I realized that life just became infinitely more beautiful. Because we can't change the inevitable. We can only change the now.

I will be honest, I believe in God. But beyond that, I haven't the faintest idea. I don't know where I will end up when I die. I don't know where my mom is, or my grandma, or my two grandfathers. Or where anyone is for that matter. It is hard for me to believe that once people we know in this life die we'll never see them again. But I can't indulge myself with dillusions of heaven, or life after death, or even hell just for my own emotional fragility. I won't lie though, I have a million questions that plague me every second of every day. I wonder if I will ever have answers.

I am certain of this, and that is that I won't know until I get there.

Some would say that I am too young at the age of 20 to be accepting death as my fate. But what is the point of just assigning a number to someone? It doesn't register their intelligence, or their maturity, or their sensitivity, or their naivety, or their heart, or their soul.

Death will never be something that is easy to deal with or accept. I know this. It is terrifying to think of losing those you love. It was the single hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life, and I know it's not over. For years I let my anger, and my sadness, and my regret regarding my mother's death consume me. No line of bull shit that anyone fed me did any good. No, "she's in heaven with God now." No, "she's in a better place and free of suffering now." No, "she'll be with you always." None of it. None of it mattered. It was all empty. And now I know why. I could never fully let go or forgive or feel at peace with any of it until I accepted this. Until now.

I will never hear her voice again, I will never laugh or cry with her again. I will never listen to music with her or read her a book again. I will never give her a hug or even get in a fight with her again. But I did do all of those things, once. And what better way to be thankful for all of those things and honor her memory than to accept that she wasn't taken away from me? She was here as long as she was meant to be. Just as I will be here as long as I am meant to be. Just as long as everyone is meant to be.

"Everywhere. Everyone. Everything. Ends."

No more beautiful or truer words have ever been spoken. So what are we waiting for?


21 November 2008

I just died with excitement.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince new trailer!
All I can say is.. oh my god. Haha.

I got goosebumps, I teared up a bit, I exclaimed out loud.. and then I watched it 4 more times. I think I am going to explode waiting for July!!

If damn Twilight didn't come out this month I am confident WB wouldn't have postponed Harry's release from THIS MONTH until NEXT JULY. But that's just my rant.

Anyway, I am feeling a lot better. Less sickly.

20 November 2008

Yann Tiersen.

Yann Tiersen is my new favorite composer.

I feel so useless when I am sick. I have been the biggest couch potato ever. Anytime I try and do anything I get exhausted quickly and end up feeling worse so I have just stopped trying. I just want to feel better. I have always hated being sick. It makes me super grouchy all the time too. I feel like I have so much to do with cleaning my house, cleaning out closets, and throwing things away before we move but I don't have the energy to do any of it. So, I am taking it easy and being lazy so that I get my energy up for this weekend with our Thanksgiving guests.

In other news, I think HD television is really weird. People who looked okay before now don't. You can see every line and wrinkle and imperfection on their face!! But movies are amazing in HD. It's like you can actually see it visually how the director or art director/director of photography would have wanted with every detail and color vivid.

Well, that's about it for me... I've been struggling for something to write about for a while now.

19 November 2008


15 days since my last post! I suck!!

Well, I guess I have slept more. Watched movies more. Read more. Wrote more. Worked on homework more. Spent time with people more. And blogged less. So, hopefully that's acceptable.

I don't have a whole lot to write about. Things are happening, I guess. The semester is over in less than a month!! I have a job finally with Apple provided I pass the background check (which I will). And we're moving in just a few weeks which is awesome but moving always kind of sucks haha. Also, we got our beautiful new HDTV yesterday and it's magnificent. Thanksgiving is coming up too which will be great! Next week Kyle is off work all week, Cassidi will be here, my dad will be here, Kyle and I are going to see Coldplay!!! And Thanksgiving dinner is my favorite thing in the world. Plus, I get to meet my dad's friend Colleen that I always hear so much about! It will be a good week!

Through an exciting twist of fate I ended up getting Wall-E on DVD before it actually came out. Cutest movie ever. I cried a little bit today while I was watching it. Ohh, Robot Love. I have been crying often at films lately. I cried last night at A Man and A Woman. Maybe it's the fact that I have been sick and emotional? Or maybe I am just a sap for love. I think that's it.

02 November 2008

I was tagged.

What are the last three things you purchased?

That coat.

What are the last three songs you downloaded?
All I know is I searched long and hard for all of the songs from the Reservoir Dogs movie soundtrack. So, like...
Stuck in the middle with you - Steeler's Wheel
Little Green Bag- George Baker Selection
Fool for Love - Joe Tex

What are the last three places you visited?
Show Low, AZ.
Buffalo, NY
Various places in Ontario, Canada

What are your three favorite movies?
Night Watch
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Big Fish

What are your three favorite possessions.

My laptop.
My Scion.
Ipod touch.

What three things can you not live without?

I don't know what specific things we're talking about but...
My cats.
My goonie

What would be your three wishes?

If I could have anything?
I'd go back in time and save my mom's life.
I'd wish for a ton of money to help out friends and family in need.
I'd wish for a movie deal. haha.

What three things haven’t you done yet?

Umm.. I haven't gotten married.
I haven't ridden a bicycle without training wheels. Never learned.
I haven't ever voted in a Presidential election!

What are your three favorite dishes?
Chicken Caccitore
Steak Au Poivre
Home made vegetable soup

Which three celebrities would you most like to hang out with?
Spike Jonze.
Charlie Kauffman.
Quentin Tarrantino.

Name three things that freak you out?
Falling backwards

Name three unusual things you are good at.

Spouting off random pieces of knowledge.
I kick ass as Zelda playing Super Smash Brothers.
I'm really good at anything make up/hair related. I guess it's not unusual for some people, but I have just never pursued a career in it or anything.

Which three things are you coveting?
A new 61" HDTV
A new gorgeous sectional.
New clothes!

So, I will leave you with a quote from one of my favorite films of all time,
Le Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain.

Sans toi, les émotions d'aujourd hui ne seraient que la peau morte des émotions d'autrefois.


"Without you, today's emotions would be the scurf of yesterday's."

Just one of the many reasons why I need to move to France and become a French film maker...

31 October 2008


I love these questions!!

These are what Kira asked me in response to below blog...

1. What do you think of the twilight series ?

I have never read them. I don't know why... everyone always raves about them. I think it pissed me off because they were vampire stories written by a Mormon and people say they could out-do Harry Potter. Which just doesn't fly. Oh, and the movie looks like it sucks!

2. When did you last sleep past two in the afternoon?

Ohh man I do that all the time now that I am just going to school and not working. I stay up until like, 4 or 5 in
the morning.

3. reading or music, for the rest of your life, and why?

This is impossible! But as much as I love reading, my gut is saying music. Why? Cause I have to be able to figure out what songs to put in my future films.

4. What did you eat for dinner?

Well, I haven't eaten dinner yet today but last night I ate steak and pasta mixed with fresh herbs and arugala and stuff. Sooo delicious. I cook gourmet meals nightly. Haha.

5. What's your favorite beatles song and what significance does it have in your life?

Across the Universe. Need I say more? The words alone are one of the most beautiful pieces of poetry I have ever heard in my life. But really, when I think of what I believe in spiritually, and what I hope happens when you die... I think that's it. Especially, "limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns and calls me on and on across the universe."

6. How would you find out what this surprise (however small) eric's mom has for me without actually waiting for it?

Do you have any black mail on anyone in his family that knows about it?? HAHA. Other than that I have no clue.

7. Who would you most like to see in a big screen adaption of your life, playing you, your mom, kyle, everyone?

Well, I decided the other day that I would want Catherine Keener to be me.. Ewan McGregor of course for Kyle. haha. My mom is a really really tough one. I'd say like Madonna or something cause my mom would laugh incredibly hard/kill me. But she always said she wished she looked as good as Madonna does for her age. And I would probably pick someone hilarious for Randy. Like.. Seth Rogen? I could kinda see it. I don't know how well all of these actors would mesh together so well, though. It'd be one hell of a movie. Hmm. I just had a brilliant idea! If I could use old movie actors and actresses I would be like, Audrey Hepburn and Kira could be Kate Hepburn! I could see it. And we can put Clark Gable and Jimmy Stewart in there too. Cary Grant could be my Dad?? Claudette Colbert would be Cassidi. Yessss.

Here's what Cassidi asked me!!

1. What do you think of
the 'bohemian' lifestyle??

Well, let me just start by saying Moulin Rouge is one my favorite movies of all time! Haha that's the first thing I thought of. Anyway, totally wanted to do the whole bohemian, starving artist thing for a looong time. It was one of my dreams to just make enough money to fly to Europe and figure it out from there. Just be dirt poor, experience other cultures the real way. So, love it! But there comes a time when one must get a job, I fear. lol.

2. When did you last
Find a book that changed your life, and what was it??

I started reading Fahrenheit 451 today by Ray Bradbury and that has already changed me and I am on page 62. No, but book that changed my life that I finished... would be Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials series. It's all about metaphysical stuff, and it's absolutely mind blowing. Can't even describe it to you.

3. Curly hair or straight hair and why?
I have this theory that people born with curly hair always want straight hair and people born with straight hair always want curly hair! I have always wanted curly hair.. but lately I am grateful that when I am lazy and don't do my hair it's just straight and not frizzy. haha.

4. What did you
want to be when you grew up??

I wanted to be so many things!! A famous actress was definitely up there though. That and a dancer!

5. What's your favorite
song of all time?
Man, that's impossible for me. My favorite song changes weekly! So, unfortunately I can't answer this... Right now, I guess it would be the above song on this blog entry. Black Cherry by Goldfrapp.

6. How would you
define freedom? [Personal, national, whatever?]?

I'm really not sure. The first thing I thought of was the ability to think and act for oneself without fear of retribution.

7. Who would you most like to Go to Disneyland with? I think it would be awesome just to get a big group of friends together and go! I love Disneyland!


I just typed out a huge blog and my computer decided to freeze when I opened Microsoft Word. Anyway, I lost the whole thing and I am super upset... So, I will leave you with the shortened version.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta?

Communist Mani-pesto!!

Thank you Stephen Colbert.

"It was a pleasure to burn.

It was a special pleasure to see things eaten, to see things blackened and changed. "

I am reading Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. Love him.

Now I am going to sleep! I'm fucking tired and tomorrow is a big day! Halloween! Umm assuming I actually get my damn costume.

29 October 2008

Hope I do this right.

So, from what I understand, I asked these questions to Kira... and now I have to answer them. Then, if you guys want, fill in the blanks in the following questions in a comment to me and I will answer them! Then, I think you go ahead and post them on your blog and answer them, if you want. Haha.

1. What do you think of _____________ ?
2. When did you last ____________?
3. __________ or ___________ and why?
4. What did you ______________?
5. What's your favorite ______________?
6. How would you ______________?
7. Who would you most like to ________ ?

So, here's my answers.

1. What do you think of foreign films ? I set myself up for this one. I live for foreign films. Spanish, Russian, French. They are all better than Hollywood, in my opinion. If I could do anything, my wildest dream is to move to France, learn French (probably would help if I did that before I moved...), and become a French filmmaker. I think it would be marvelous.

2. When did you last question god's existence? I always do. And I definitely don't believe in "God" and all the connotations that come with "his" existence in Christianity.

3. Eric Bana or Jonathan Rhys Meyers as King Henry VIII and why? While Eric Bana probably looks physically more like the real King Henry VIII... Jonathan Rhys Meyers is completely amazing in every way. Well.. in the ways that matter. Ha!

4. What did you smile about today? Oh so much! The fact that Sarah Palin has "gone rogue" was probably the best! Karma is a bitch, John McCain, and you're getting exactly what you deserve for picking that crazy chick for your VP.

5. What's your favorite quote? I have so many! The top... 3 are:

"All time is all time. It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is. Take it moment by moment, and you will find that we are all, as I've said before, bugs in amber." -- Kurt Vonnegut "Slaughterhouse 5"

"How happy is the blameless vessal's lot
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
Each prayer accepted, each wish resigned.
- Alexander Pope "Eloisa to Abelard"

"Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
Are melted into air, into thin air:
And like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd tow'rs, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind...

We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep."

- William Shakespeare "The Tempest"

Okay, I am adding a number 4!!!

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players
They have their exits and their entrances;

And one man in his time plays many parts." - William Shakespeare "As You Like It"

6. How would you describe yourself to someone who didn't know you at all? The first thing that pops into my head is like, how you describe yourself in a job interview. You know? Sell yourself, I guess. So I would tell them all of my amazing attributes, and none of my negative ones. But I would have to tell them that I am a crazy Liberal, and not a Christian... or else they would probably offend me. Haha!

7. Who would you most like to sit down and have coffee with ? Dead or alive.

Well, I kind of set myself up for this one too. I wouldn't pick anyone famous, or noteworthy, or whatever. I'd have coffee with my mom over anyone.

Soooo ask away!! =)

Potter Puppet Pals.

That is for Kira. And anyone else who loves Harry Potter, for that matter.. Most amazing video.

Also, these are my new favorite movies. Not of all time.. but they are up there on my list. Crazy Russians. The director kind of sucks because he abandoned the last movie in the trilogy to make the movie "Wanted." Bigger paycheck, shitty movie. Can't deny he's not a genius though. Love him. Anyway, just think all the posters are amazing.. so, I am posting them. lol.

And here are the trailers. Cause they rock too.

Nochnoy Dozor

Denevnoy Dozor

24 October 2008

no sleep for the weary.

Just a few things.

Keegan: I did it for the pun of it.
Tara: I did it cause it's punny.
Keegan: I did it for the usually humorous use of a word in such a way as to suggest two or more of its meanings or the meaning of another word similar in sound.

Hardest I have laughed in a while. Maybe you had to be there.

I am wide awake. But I have come to terms with it. Being upset about my insomnia won't make it go away.

I can't think of anything to write. This is awful.

I think I figured out something new about myself today. Whenever I am upset, I immediately want to buy things. New things gives me that fleeting sense of happiness for a few minutes when I get really excited about it. But as they say, money can't buy happiness. I sure try to, though.

The latest thing I have wanted to buy is a bunch of clothes. Man, I am such a girl. But it's more than that. I want a change. I feel so stuck right now. Appearance is one of the few things we can really change, you know? I have to keep my hair boring so I can find a job. Which is an absolute joke. So, what else can I change?

Why oh why did I have to be born in the 80's?? I should have been 20 in the 40's.

Anyway, moral of this blog... I am changing my outward appearance. Because that's just about the only thing one can change when they go through changes in their life. I am so fickle though. Always a different hair color, always a different style, always a different this or that. I never stick with things for very long. At least not the important things. My appearance, and my material objects are inconsequential, and I throw them away and change them easily. My relationships with people, and my love for others... that matters more than anything, and I keep it around. Long after all of the rest have gone.

I enjoy learning new things about myself. Maybe that makes me self-centered.

Also, I want something fun to do for Halloween. I hadn't even bothered getting a costume or making plans or anything... but I really want to now. I just want something fun to do in general. I feel so lame all the time. Every normal college student goes to parties, or does fun stuff. Except me. I just never enjoy myself. I'm not really friends with anyone who goes to ASU anyway either. So, how would I even know of something to do?

I constantly amaze myself with my ability to find anything and everything even remotely negative in my life and make myself incredibly unhappy over it. How someone can have so much unhappiness in their heart, I will never know. I have always struggled with it. Struggled to be positive, or be happy. But the fact is, I am neither of those things. And anytime positive or happy things happen, I find a new thing to be unhappy and negative about. Life will never be good enough for me.

I'm just so discouraged with everything. And no one seems to notice. I just get told to be positive, or 'chill', or some other piece of bull shit that doesn't help anything. No one says anything worth while. No one asks me if I am okay? Or if I need to talk? No one cares about me or how I am really doing. So, I will just put on the mask and the fake smile I have worn for so long... It's probably easier for everyone to deal with.

Yeah, I said it. But even as I say it I question it in a million different ways. Wondering if it's the right thing to do. Wondering if I died tomorrow, how happy I would be with my life? It's my only one. I should make the most of it. But what is "it"? What is the point of any of this? I think, therefore I am. But is it normal to not know who I am? Or why I am? Or what I am?

I wish I had an off button for my brain. Or at the very least, mute. I would settle for either one.