05 January 2009

New year, new understandings.

So, I have never been one to have new years resolutions or anything. I may have tried, but by February I always forget what they were. I feel like we shouldn't need a new year to signal a new change in ourselves. What is a new year, anyway? Just a man made number to assign to life so we can have a reference for our history. So we can be remembered.

Without meaning to though, I have changed with this arrival of 2009. And it's such a strange change, such a strange understanding. So strange it's going to be one of the hardest things I have ever tried to articulate. And even more strange because it has been the direct result of watching five seasons of a beautiful television show called "Six Feet Under." The show is about an L.A. family who runs a funeral home and deals with death in such a candid way that I have never seen before.

Having experienced the death of my mother, the person who truly was my everything in this life, this show hit home with me. At first it was very difficult to watch, because even though it is just fiction, death isn't. The people who die every day are real, and it happens. They are mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, friends, husbands, wives. They are good people, and they are bad people. They lived their lives to the fullest or they died with many regrets. They were taken in old age, they were taken when they were barely born.

And everything, everyone, everywhere.. we'll all end as they have. And now I don't find that depressing, or morbid, or scary, or sad, or defeatist. I find it amazing. No, I don't want to die.. but all of these realizations have made me want to live! Live like never before! Enjoy every single day I have here with the people I love. And be thankful for every single day I am here and I am breathing. Once I realized that life just became infinitely more beautiful. Because we can't change the inevitable. We can only change the now.

I will be honest, I believe in God. But beyond that, I haven't the faintest idea. I don't know where I will end up when I die. I don't know where my mom is, or my grandma, or my two grandfathers. Or where anyone is for that matter. It is hard for me to believe that once people we know in this life die we'll never see them again. But I can't indulge myself with dillusions of heaven, or life after death, or even hell just for my own emotional fragility. I won't lie though, I have a million questions that plague me every second of every day. I wonder if I will ever have answers.

I am certain of this, and that is that I won't know until I get there.

Some would say that I am too young at the age of 20 to be accepting death as my fate. But what is the point of just assigning a number to someone? It doesn't register their intelligence, or their maturity, or their sensitivity, or their naivety, or their heart, or their soul.

Death will never be something that is easy to deal with or accept. I know this. It is terrifying to think of losing those you love. It was the single hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life, and I know it's not over. For years I let my anger, and my sadness, and my regret regarding my mother's death consume me. No line of bull shit that anyone fed me did any good. No, "she's in heaven with God now." No, "she's in a better place and free of suffering now." No, "she'll be with you always." None of it. None of it mattered. It was all empty. And now I know why. I could never fully let go or forgive or feel at peace with any of it until I accepted this. Until now.

I will never hear her voice again, I will never laugh or cry with her again. I will never listen to music with her or read her a book again. I will never give her a hug or even get in a fight with her again. But I did do all of those things, once. And what better way to be thankful for all of those things and honor her memory than to accept that she wasn't taken away from me? She was here as long as she was meant to be. Just as I will be here as long as I am meant to be. Just as long as everyone is meant to be.

"Everywhere. Everyone. Everything. Ends."

No more beautiful or truer words have ever been spoken. So what are we waiting for?



Cassidi Marie said...

So, I know it's totally silly, but I felt the same way about Grey's Anatomy. I was almost always more fascinated with the side characters, the ones who live, or die, and fear and love and will be there for one episode and then leave.

So let's just all start living out loud!

Love you, Tara!


Malori Jo said...

I remember when you mom passed away - and I remember your mom. She was so beautiful and she was so sweet! I really loved her, and I was so sad for you.
I am so happy that you are accepting this - I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you.
I really admire you.