just like honey.

Listen to the girl
As she takes on half the world
Moving up and so alive
In her honey dripping beehive
Beehive
It's good, so good, it's so good
So good
Walking back to you
Is the hardest thing that I can do
That I can do for you
For you
I'll be your plastic toy
I'll be your plastic toy
For you
Eating up the scum
Is the hardest thing for
Me to do
Just like honey
Just like honey
Just like honey


Such strange lyrics... but it will forever be one of my favorite songs. And Lost in Translation one of my favorite movies.


My English teacher upsets me. I know she has a PhD. and thus, knows how to write better than me... but she criticizes me so much. She gives me A's, but she rips every word of my paper apart. I am definitely NOT used to that. Kind of burns my ego a bit.. because one of the only things I really feel I have going for me in this world is my ability to write.

Tomorrow is the last day of my Orientation to Theatre and Film class. Completely blows my mind that I am done with a class already this semester. My Film History class is over on the 16th. But, after this semester I will have 20 credit hours! And that means I am 1/6th done with my Bachelor's degree! It is a miracle and a half.

This is going to be a pretty random blog. But that is my brain.

I am so excited to see Coldplay next month. I bought these tickets like, 6 months ago and they postponed the concert until November. I seriously do not doubt that it will be one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. Coldplay has a special place in my heart, and every time I hear Chris Martin's voice I see my mom. Coldplay was her favorite before she passed away... I can't wait to share it with her. Her other favorites like Metallica and Scorpions and ACDC don't do too many shows anymore, so I have to honor her in any way I can!

I am the worst at sleeping ever. I just like to sit here in my apartment at night. The only one awake. Listening to music. It's peaceful. I take a break from all of my schoolwork and all of my stress and just be alone with my thoughts. Sometimes my thoughts can be a dangerous thing but it gives me a chance to deal with things. I also think of my mom a lot. The fact that it has been three years still seems surreal to me. So much happened, so much changed. I know she is proud of me now, though. Tina said so. That's just about all that matters to me in this world. It took me so long to get here. I think that is another reason why I made this instead of going back to livejournal. As weird as it sounds, my LJ was so full of my depression and my fuck ups. What a different person I am now.

But I still miss my mom...


Blog from myspace about a month ago:

2 am.

For the first time in a long time I can't sleep because I can't take my mind off of you...
I went to visit your grave this past month, and I didn't feel anything.
The 3 year anniversary of your death was this past month and I didn't feel anything.


But now tonight--completely unexpectedly--I find my pillowcase stained with tears. I swear this will never get easier. Can't you just transcend time and space and come back to me?


I try to tell people things about my day, or about what I am learning in school, or about my interests or passions and it's never the same. No one cared the way you did. No one was behind me 100% like you were. No one will ever share in my excitement like you did.

There were so many things that you taught me. So many things that I am so thankful for. It could be something as simple as reading about the Bolshevik rebellion in Russia in one of my textbooks. I can hear your voice teaching me about it. Even though it seemed so inconsequential, and I haven't thought of it since, I can still hear your voice in my head. Like an echo. Like a ghost. It is so faint. Please don't go away.

How can it be 3 years? 3 whole years? It feels like just yesterday you were holding my hand while we were crossing the road.

It makes me really sad that I don't have any very recent pictures of us together. I was 15 in the last picture we took... And it makes me realize I don't have any pictures of my dad and I. The last one I was 8 years old in. I would like to change that.




I am going to have to make a playlist for this blog. It is calling to me. Wish I could get some more friends on here... lol. I feel like a stalker cause I am always just commenting on Cassidi's blogs. :)